There Must Be Fifty Ways to Kill Your Lover

With apologies to Paul Simon....

There Must Be 50 Ways to Kill Your Lover

When you’re a crime writer it’s handy if you have
A few experts in your pocket
They’ll tell you death isn’t fast as they all say
Or CSI able to just lock it

In life the detectives almost know right from the start
Cause guilty parties tend to hover
The trick is finding enough proof to take to court
Still, there must be fifty ways to kill your lover
Fifty ways to kill your lover

Stiletto in the back, Jack
No elaborate plan, Stan
A gun isn’t coy, Roy
Long as you can get free
Poison in the stew, Lou
Don’t have to be fancy, Nancy
“Accidental” O.D., Lee
Long as you can get free

I’ve learned that eating poison isn’t very fast
Best you make it look accidental
The reason assassins shoot you in the head, is
To make conversation incidental

A crime writer can use these ploys to heighten the suspense
Drive the reader from cover to cover
Beware of holes that leave the reader shaking head, still
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover
Fifty ways to kill your lover

Stiletto in the back, Jack
No elaborate plan, Stan
A gun isn’t coy, Roy
Long as you can get free
Poison in the stew, Lou
Don’t have to be fancy, Nancy
“Accidental” O.D., Lee
Long as you can get free

This murder of a classic song is the beginning of the new NCWM Blog theme. Murder isn't as easy to write as it is to commit. For one thing, unlike most criminals, crime writers have to be clever and entertaining and the killer can't get caught until the final chapter.

More on the theme: Seven Ways NOT to Kill Your Lover

If you want a source for getting the murder right: Forensics4Fiction